Jun. 8th, 2009

billmaxwell: Popsicles (Default)
I am not sure what's making me reluctant to post at DW. Often when I try to get some of my thoughts and emotions down, they just flee like leaves on the wind. Or, they often consist of things I like to hide from.

That's probably a more frequent occurrence, in all honesty.

Right now I have few enough people following me here that I probably don't have to worry about someone commenting and saying something to the effect of:

1) Hey, you're a complete idiot.
2) Your problems are all your own fault, so STFU.
3) Quit complaining about that shit and DO something, you ineffectual asshole.
4) All that navelgazing isn't going to do dick.

Mainly I think I worry about this because I think those things about myself. I have a lot of problems, and I feel like they are my own fault. I do lots of talking myself out of the various things I could do about them; e.g. go to a therapist, leave my husband, find a new job, etc etc etc.

I do this because I pretty much feel like it's hopeless. There is something wrong inside me, something that makes me make the wrong decisions, chose the wrong people, take the darker fork in the road. I'm a fuck-up. And a coward. And I seem determined to take apart any chance I have at happiness and well-being, piece by piece.

There is nothing worthwhile here. Carry on.

Wow, this was supposed to be a post in which I worked my way around to being positive. Clearly that wasn't meant to be.
billmaxwell: Popsicles (Default)
In the past couple of years, I've used writing (fanfic in particular, but original as well) as kind of a morphine for the soul.

Lately I can't get my fix. I'm not sure if my creative juices are running dry, or if my enchantment with fandom just can't feed itself anymore. When I even think about the lovely euphoria that writing used to give me, it makes me want to hurt myself.

I miss it, and I want it back, because it made everything else more bearable.

Mainly, I just want to be able to write. If I lose that, too, I don't know what I will do.

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billmaxwell

July 2009

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